Ok, if you're reading this, you might be here a while.
I have things I need to say,
Things just wanting to explode out.
I'm just not sure where to start,
Or what to say.
Everything wants to come out at once.
Well I guess I'll just let it flow,
See where my mind takes this blog...
My heart, was beating fast.
I found it a bit hard to breathe.
This was just a while ago.
I'm not saying why.
But, it wasn't a good feeling.
It hurt, there's this feeling,
In the middle of my chest..
I've felt it before.
It's not going away.
I feel I'm losing control.
And, I had to do it..
I had to find my good old friend.
I don't know why,
But he always makes me feel better..
There's something about blood,
Running down my arm.
I love it.
(My good old friend being a blade)
My mother knows I cut myself..
I hate it when she finds out.
Seeing the look of hurt on her face..
People don't understand..
It feels so good.
I had a falling out with a friend..
He used to be more than a friend.
But, as soon as he decided we would
"just be friends"
He started treating me like crap.
We would fight every time we spoke.
I tried being nice,
He threw it back in my face.
I feel so used..
It's like, now he knew he wouldn't
Come to my house and make out with me
He just treated me bad.
And then went on to tell me
He loves and cares for me..
I used to think he was different to most guys..
Turns out he's all the same.
He called me
"The most selfish person he knows
Our age that Isn't retarded."
Ouch.
Everything I knew would happen with him..
Happened.
I always told him we would end up not friends..
That in the future he would hate me.
Sometimes being right isn't all that great.
Mike is here.
Mike from Queensland!
That's what he's known as
Down here.
He's stayed here the last few days.
At first I didn't really talk to him much.
My sisters did.
But they went to Dads for the weekend
So, I kind of Had to talk to him.
He's not real shy..
Like tonight,
I was laying on the floor,
Bunnii Was on my chest.
She got off and I called her back
But she didn't come.
So Mike, laid across my stomach
And said "I'll be your cat"
I couldn't stop laughing!
So I patted him
Ah! It was hilarious.
And A little awkward..
I don't like it when a guy likes me..
Likes me like me..
Because, I'll either,
A)Not like him, which is upsetting
when someone you likes doesn't like you back
or
B)I'll like him back, which makes it ten times worse.
When I like someone that likes me,
I let them know I don't want a boyfriend..
But, Then again, I would probably let them hold my hand
Or I'd let them kiss me..
So, I get involved, without committing.
And I know, with teenage relationships
They don't usually last..
And if they do,
It's not for very long.
When you have a Boyfriend/girlfriend
There are two things that are inevitable..
You will either marry them..
Or brake up with them.
Ok, So I don't like the odds..
I got heart broken before.
It hurt so much.
I never want that to happen to me again.
But, that what happens!
Plus!
Feelings change..
What happens, if you're with someone..
And over time, you just lose interest..
Or they change, and you don't like who they are..
You feel for who they used to be.
You brake it off, and they get hurt!
I try never to say things like
"I'll love you forever"
"I'll never like someone as much as I do you"
"I promise I'm never going to date anyone after you"
"I'd choose you over anyone"
I've had all them said to me..
Guess what!
They didn't love me forever.
They apparently love their new girlfriend more than they've ever loved a girl before.
They have a new girlfriend, so they obviously dated after me.
They had a choice..
They didn't choose me.
My anxieties make it real hard to have a boyfriend.
I just don't see things like most.
I have a cousin, who counted up all the boyfriends
She has had..
Well, those she could remember..
There was over 100...
What the heck!
I bet she told every one of them she loved them.
I can't see how she could do that!
She would act on crushes.
I don't act on crushes..
I get crushes on guys,
But, I would never want to get into a relationship
With them.
But, most people act on crushes.
I get very jealous.
Very jealous, very easy.
I'm not sure why.
My mom says it's because of my anxiety..
Or maybe the jealousy is causing the anxiety..
I get possessive..
It's so annoying,
Because, if a guy was possessive of me,
I wouldn't like it.
So, I try doing to others as I would like done to myself..
But I can't help it!
It's totally selfish.
But I can't help it!
I mean, you think I like feeling jealous?
No! It hurts!
I have to go to Clare house later on today.
Fun, fun, fun.
Not.
For those who don't know
(As I'm assuming most of you don't)
Clare house is...
*looks up information on Clare House*
Ok here's stuff about Clare House
Some of the problems that people bring to the service are:
- anxiety and stress
- fears and phobias
- grief
- compulsive and habitual behaviours
- depression
- suicidal thoughts and behaviour
- adjustment issues
- attention and concentration problems
Yeah, so I go because
A)I over dosed on sleeping pills.
B)I cut myself.
C)I have chronic anxiety.
I have mental problems..
I'm not even sure how they're going to help..
I've been before.
When I refused to go to school..
They sent me there!
But I refused to go, because
A)The person I had to talk to sounded gay.
B)He was freaky.
C)he told me his goal was to get me to school..
And I was like "Screw that fro an idea"
But, after over dosing, the
hospital referred me back..
But I get a girl this time.
And they're not going to
try to get me to school.
So, I don't mind going.
Although..
I told Luke I was going,
He thinks they want to eat my brains...
I like this guy.
He's not like any guy I've met before.
Now, I've said that about a guy before,
And turns out he
was like most guys..
So, knowing that I'm not
sure if I should trust myself..
But anyway.
He likes me too.
I don't want a boyfriend..
But knowing him,
Sometimes I find myself
wanting to take a chance..
But then I get too scared.
He was in my dream last night..
(He was in my dream for
the third dream in a row!)
(I'll skip everything til
where he comes into it)
Pretty much I asked him
if I could draw on him..
(I like drawing on people! Especially
with permanent marker 
)
And he said I could.
So he sat behind me, and put
his arms around me so I could draw on them..
but him having me in his arms
I forgot about drawing on him,
And I just sat back in his arms.
After having that dream I
woke up feeling so happy.
If you don't know already,
I want children.
One of my hearts
desires is to be a mother!
And, since I'm not going to
have sex out of a marriage
I have to wait... Well, until
I'm married for children!
And, that sucks.
So, I asked my mother last night
Is it against God to become
pregnant without having sex.
It is possible to fall pregnant without sex,
And without having it like implanted in you.
But yeah..
She didn't answer my question,
But she did say I should just get married early..
She didn't help.
Although, if i did fall pregnant I would need
A guy willing to become a father..
Plus find one I would want
to be the father of my child!
And then everyone would think I'd of had sex!
You think they'd believe me if I said
"No, I didn't have sex! honest!"
"How did you become pregnant then?"
"...It's a long story, that DOESN'T
involve Sexual intercourse"
"Yeah, right!"
But, I mean, I hardly leave the house anyway...
Maybe no one would find out..
Pfft, People would find out..
Lame!
I had heaps of other stuff
I wanted to write about..
But, While writing the other stuff..
And Texting Luke..
I've forgotten..
You know, I got $20 credit last week..
I sent Luke $4 because he called me once,
And it should've only costed 1c a minute..
But it cost like $4 So I
felt bad, and paid him back.
I spend like $1 credit a day..
I don't text people that don't have telstra.
Which means each text message cost 1c..
Would that mean I text at
least 100 messages a day?
Gosh!
It's Luke..
Since I got his number, we
just always text each other.
I love it.
I don't mind not going on the
computer because texting him
Entertains me enough.
My birthday party soon!
Are you coming?
You should be!
Unless, I don't want you there..
Which, there are a few
people I don't want there..
But anyway
If you want to come
Just ask, I'll give details.
It'll be a sleepover.
We'll eat pizza, and watch Movies.
Not very eventful,
But, who cares.
There's really only two
people I really want to come.
Ammy and Luke.
Ammy lives in Melbourne..
And Luke is busy most weekends
So There's a high chance I'm not going to see
The only friends I want to see!
I have to be up at 9am..
It's 5:15am now!
That's just great.
I think I just shouldn't sleep.
I have a better chance of being awake then!
I don't like being nocturnal..
Because, That what I pretty much am.
My mom stays up late just to spend time with me.
She was falling asleep on the couch
And I asked her why she wasn't already in bed.
And she said it was so she
could spend some time with me.
It made me feel good. 
But bad, that she was keeping herself awake..
I'm working on a song.
You know it sucks trying to put lyrics to music
When you can't play an instrument!
I pretty much have no idea what I'm doing.
I was thinking of cutting my hair.
Cutting it short.
Like Real short!
But, I like my hair long..
So, I don't know what to do.
Bleh! I'm going now!
I know, you're probably thinking
"Finally!"
Ok Going now!
Bye xox
P.s I'm glad Kate Richie Won gold logie!
Listened to: How To Save A Life, By The fray
And International Superhits, By Green Day. While writing this blog.
Feeling:Upset/depressed/confused/angry/jealous..
